Paul Savage

Comedian, host, cartoonist, astronaut, occasional liar

Archive Jan 2011: Let’s get Quizzical

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We did a different quiz this week. My compatriots of Team Quiz Akabusi, though fine people to a man, are fey intellectuals, (teachers, opticians, university professors, some sort of admin thing that appears to involve mocking a selection of sri lankan students) too precious for this rough and tumble world. Not me. I am, as previously discussed, some sort of renegade, a man unbound by societal rules, who sees social convention and laughs heartily, or at least has a wry smile to himself.

Our pub quiz moved pubs from the excellent Shoulder of Mutton to the slightly rougher Bird in Hand. And why? Capitalism. Capitalism is supposed to provide cool stuff, not knock down excellent boozers so twats can buy poncy flats. Suck a selection of veiny diseased genitals, capitalism.

Anyway, the presence of men with poorly drawn, poorly spelt tattoos shouting out answers from adjoining rooms has rendered the old quiz less fun for my effete band of knowledge-knowers. They asked me if I wanted to go and do the quiz at the Dog and Gun. I told them the quiz there was rubbish. They said it offered cash prizes. I reinformed them that both the quiz and the pub were rubbish. They insisted. I went.

The quiz was not along the lines of normal quizzes; ie When was the battle of Bannockburn, which book of the Bible does the story of Samson appear, what’s the largest town in England without a football team, what crimes do the Flying Squad investigate, what river flows through Derby? etc. These questions were not asked, nor answered. (For those playing along at home with pen and paper, what are you doing? there was no indication this would be an interactive blog, I didn’t ask you to get a pen and paper. still, the answers are 1314, Judges, Wakefield, armed robberies, the Derwent)

The questons were based on the style of family fortunes: a generic question was asked, and the top 5 answers the general public gave were listed. you had to match your answer to the general publics. Problem is, me and the general public don’t get on. I am, clearly, a man of exceptional taste and knowledge. The general public made Simon Cowell 43 million pounds last year, elected David Cameron, and perhaps most damningly, have given Bradley Walsh a career for some parts of the last 15 years. Clearly our answers won’t entirely match. We got a point for each answer we got right, and two points if out top answer matched theirs.

So, long story short, we came second. we lost by one point. We would have drawn for top spot and then faced off in a tiebreak, which we would have won because it would have been about actual facts rather than opinions.

We fell down on this question:

What makes you feel warm inside?

Top 5 answers got a point. The top answer got 2 points. the correct top answer, even from a blackhearted cynic such as myself, is love. That is the correct answer. It is indisputiably the correct answer. It is. It is.

The British Public’s top answer was “a hot drink”

“is it a hot drink, Paul?”

“No. It is love. Simple, pure, love”

“is it when you’re watching You’ve Been Framed, and a fat woman is dancing at a wedding and she falls over, or someone runs into a plate glass window?”

“no. Whilst that may be amusing, and joyous in it’s way, it is love. the answer is indisputiably love”

“is it when you run for public transport and it doesn’t drive off without you? Is it that, Paul”

“No. that’s nice, and a lovely little thrill at getting one over on the universe somehow, but itisn’t the correct answer. The correct answer is love. write that down”

“Is it doing lavish, raised legged farts whilst doing the hoovering?”

“No. it’s love. Try as they might, the world’s greatest novelists, playwrights, poets, singer/songwriters and minstrels cannot find so many glourious, multifaceted sides to doing lavish raised legged farts whilst hoovering. It’s love. LOVE. There wasn’t a popular cartoon about two naked children that you probably can’t get away with now called “lavish raised legged farts is”, partly because it’s grammatically incorrect and partly because the bloody answer to the bloody question “what bloody makes you bloody warm inside?” is bloody love. It just is.

The Derwent definitely flows through Derby. Maps, wikipedia and the ordance survey all agree. The coastguard probably agrees. We’ve not put this out to the British public, asked 100, and seen what they answered, and then took that as the right answer

Q:”What’s the name of the river in Derby?”

The British Public: “Is it Shaniqua? Is it Alan? Is it Wellard, like the dog that used to be in Eastenders?”

No, it isn’t, and those are all stupid opinions you slackjawed cretins.

So anyway, the answer was’t love, and we lost by one point. there was no 2nd prize.

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