Paul Savage

Comedian, host, cartoonist, astronaut, occasional liar

Round up of Liverpool’s Season 2014-2015

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The complete roundup of Liverpool Football Club’s season by a fan who saw zero games in person, and “watched” a disproportionate amount on live scrolling text screens on trains, and who enjoyed roughly a quarter of it.

The “hopefully won’t backfire when I name my first born son after him” award for player of the season

By a landslide, with a cool 100% of the vote, our only actually competent player, Phillipe Coutinho. With his cherubic face, his quiff that’s better than mine, and his ability to create a goal out of nowhere, or as close to nowhere as a mis-hit Joe Allen pass can be (pretty damn close, FYI), Coutinho was a delight who will grow into a Liverpool legend at this rate. Also, his wife looks delightful, like they’d be a really fun couple to have round to drink cocktails and barbecue with. Also, Coutinho Savage has a ring to it, no?

The Luis Suarez memorial “yes, but he’s OUR cunt” award for player who requires most defending to fans of other clubs

A debut award for Raheem Sterling, whose wage demands (and his agent angling for a transfer request) off the back of a lacklustre season caused many people to ask why he thinks he can waltz into Real’s first team when he can’t even waltz past Hull’s defence.

Runner up: Mario Balotelli, for about 3 weeks at the start of the season when it looked like he could turn off his attitude problem and turn on the style. That sadly failed to happen.

The “stupid thing that tragically came true” award

Brendan Rodgers: “Hull isn’t an easy place to go to”. At that point Hull were all but relegated with the worst defensive record in the league. We of course then lost. In fairness to Brendan, perhaps he just meant the Hull isn’t a particularly easy place to go to as a concept.

The “waste of aviation fuel” award for bellendry through the medium of planes

A joint award for flying a plane with a banner reading “Rodgers Out” during a game we won, and flying a plane reading “in Rodgers we trust” during the next game, which we lost. When did skywriting become the medium of protest anyway? See next years campaign for lower ticket prices with my cutting edge smoke signals.

The stupid fact I accidentally learnt this season that will never leave my brain (except in case of head injury or degenerative disease)

Steven Gerrard’s 38 seconds on the pitch against Man Utd makes him the first player to ever have their entire match captured on the Match Of The Day highlights.

The most physically painful moment of the season

Ignore the spankings by rivals. Ignore spankings by clubs that aren’t even rivals. Ignore the ignominious cup exits. Ignore the social media blunders after ignominious cup exits. The actual most painful display this season was a 3-2 win in extra time over QPR, a feat which should have felt happy but actually felt like going to a terrible nightclub, watching helplessly as your girlfriend grinds up on another man for 94 minutes and then decides she’s coming home with you.

Runner up: Everton equalising in the derby out of nowhere.

The “We hate Nottingham Forest” award for club I have recently started taking extra pleasure in when we beat them.

I don’t know if it’s because we’ve handed them some drubbings in recent years, if it’s because I now have a bunch more friends who support them, or just because I don’t like their owner, but I’ve begun to hate Spurs. I suggest you all join me, and lets create a confusing non local derby like Crystal Palace and Brighton. Just in case you think I am being biased, I have also begun to hate Arsenal, possibly because a chap I play 5 a side with turns up in the full arsenal kit despite being over 8 and not mentally incapacitated.

The “thanks, we’d not noticed that” award for most overrused piece of analysis

With Luis Suarez leaving over the summer, and Daniel Sturridge crocked for much of the season, we certainly missed their goals. What we didn’t miss was the repeated analysis that with Luis Suarez leaving over the summer, and Daniel Sturridge crocked for much of the season, we were certainly missing their goals. Of course, we’d brought in Lallana and Balotelli and Lambert over the summer, but they’d failed to gel like last season and Luis Suarez leaving over the summer, and Daniel Sturridge crocked for much of the season, we certainly missed their goals…

The involuntary thing I most annoyed my housemates with 

Watching games on my laptop in the corner whilst sighing “oh, for fucks sake” in social scenarios.

Runner up: Saying “Adam Lallana” in the same cadence as the cockney ” ‘ave a banana”. This also works for Hatem Ben Arfa

The ” ‘It’s not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It’s the hope I can’t stand” Award for getting my hopes up and cruelly dashing them.

Basically, from late December to the end of March, when we played attractive attacking football, seemed to have the 3 at the back working as a unit, when Mignolet was pulling off brilliant saves on a week by week basis and we somehow rose to 4th in the table with the best form. Then we shat the bed. Then pissed the bed. Then the smell of that made us do a sick on the bed, all mixed with the shit and piss. Then we tried to get rid of the smell by setting fire to the sheets. Then we lost 6-1 to Stoke.

The “you couldn’t write it” award for unlikely contrivance that you’d groan at if you saw it in a sitcom

On the occasion of Steven Gerrard’s last home game, Liverpool played Crystal Palace, going 1-0 up at Anfield as I left my sister’s house in London on my way to Crystal Palace’s stadium for a gig that evening. By the time I got off the underground it was 1-1, and by the time I got off the train we were 3-1 down and I spent the evening being reminded of that, as there was literally a giant fucking eagle painted onto everything. You try and be funny in that situation. (Don’t worry, I was. Game faces, darling)

The “that’s the last time Steven Gerrard will ever get subbed off against Swansea” award for services to premature unnecessary nostalgia

Steven Gerrard has been a fine captain, a true servant of the club and I hope to see him back soon if he decides coaching or management is for him. But, because he was leaving at the end of the season, from about halfway through, everything he did was the last time he did it. It all added to the effect of a man at a houseparty saying goodbye to everyone and then realising that his lift wasn’t ready, starting a conversation, and then saying goodbye again.

Worst New Addition

There’s a fair bit of competition from players brought in over the summer, but the award goes to someone who came through in house. With the American owners came the idea that kids are important and the best way to make them love football is to add things to get in the way of the football. After being behind the scenes at kids parties for 2 years, 2014 saw the match day pitchside appearance of Mighty Red, a 5 foot liver bird mostrosity. It’s everything wrong with modern football that’s not an unrepentant convicted rapist, or trying to sign a convicted unrepentant rapist.  (Seriously Ched, be a good boy and fuck off). Liver birds are of course fictional, and I am hoping post 2015 that this one becomes so too.

 

mighty red

The “shit banter by shit fans” award for shittest banter by opposing fans

During a game last year, captain Steven Gerrard slipped. Just slipped on the grass.  This was apparently so hilarious to Chelsea fans that they had “slippery when wet” signs modified, professionally printed and laminated. Fucking laminated. Loads of them. I know we all thought Tim Lovejoy on Soccer AM was a nadir for “banter” and then it somehow got worse without him, but this is incredible. I sincerely someone got a bollocking for wasting company money and resources of the office colour printer and laminator on such a piss poor piece of badinage.

Runner up: Man Utd unveiling a new flag mocking Gerrard at a Man Utd vs Arsenal game. “I know how to piss them off. Let’s hurt their feeling at a game they aren’t watching. And let’s do it through the medium of embroidery!”. This is basically like going on a first date and only talking about your ex. Through the medium of embroidery.

The “best bit of the season” award

There were several great games, some brilliant goals, and some points where it wasn’t a physical torture to put myself through this all over again.

Best bit for me was Nick Pettigrew’s hilarious twitter commentary on Liverpool’s defensive failings, through vivid similes, such as:

  • Liverpool defence playing with all the confidence of a man about to fart after a phaal & 8 pints of Guinness.
  • Liverpool still defending like five blokes pretending not to know each other after doing an armed robbery, there.
  • Liverpool still defending like five Weebles in an earthquake
  • Liverpool defending like five crabs having ballbearings fired at them, there
  • And once again, Liverpool defend like five blokes trying to catch an invisible greased pig during a hailstorm
  • Liverpool still defend like five blokes with peanut allergies being chased by a giant Snickers bar.
  • Liverpool still defend like five Chuckle brothers trying to find a contact lens in an earthquake.

He’s worth following for non football stuff too:. https://twitter.com/Nick_Pettigrew

“Sign of the Season” award for crystallising exactly what was going on

On the 21st december, our joint 4th top scorer was “defender with a head injury in extra time”

Runner up: The amount of Match Of the Day I had to stay up for/ fast forward through to see the Liverpool game. You seriously telling me we’re after Hull vs QPR?

Thing I am most looking forward to about next season. 

Winning the league. It’s our year! With a bit of shoring up, some new kids coming through, some good signings, it’s our year! I look forward to this feeling lasting til roughly November, as is traditional.

Runner up: Our kit will be made by New Balance, giving us a hipster cred/ ruining lots of hipster’s cred.

 

 

 

 

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